Take 2

2005-05-08T23:43:00.000-04:00

I can't let the previous post be my last post.

Irony much?

2004-11-16T22:20:00.000-05:00

Hehe, I have a little grade nine fanbase,
of sorts.

I like the emo girl thing.

2004-11-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

My toesies are cold. I don't feel too well.

It's just another day...

2004-11-14T01:29:00.000-05:00

Today was fun. I had fun. Fun fun fun. Yay.
I am happy.

My title refers to the song. Great song.

Sometimes the web address helps

2004-11-11T23:33:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah by the way:

www.livejournal.com/users/gcool

It's so much better.

But I hope there isn't...anything there that people don't want to read or something.

I think everyone should convert.

Maybe,

2004-11-11T22:56:00.000-05:00

I think I'm gonna start phasing this blog out and start switching to livejournal. It's so much better, and there's more people there too. Well we'll see.

Shaggin' Wagon Yay!

2004-11-09T21:12:00.000-05:00

Holy fucking hell the Kelso van is the fuckin' coolest thing I have ever seen. I want to go on a roadtrip NOW! It is so ... mini, and cute, and there's ... beds! I mean I knew all that before, but it is insanely cooler in person. I am not even kidding, wow, I'm so excited. You know how rare it is I get realllly excited about something. This is gonna actually motivate me to get my G2. I am going on a roadtrip to Quebec in early July, no matter what happens. All I need is at least one other person to come. That's all. And it's a cheap trip too - gas and food. That's it. Sooo cool! It is blowing my mind! I love it.

Tuesdays

2004-11-09T19:55:00.000-05:00

I am always tired on Tuesdays. They are just like that. I almost fell asleep at tutoring. But now I am very awake and pretty in-tired. Go figure.

It's A Sign!

2004-11-08T16:03:00.000-05:00

Today *someone* (hehe, we all know who it is, you rock for it) made a giant sign for the batcave wall that said a list of people unwelcome in there:

-[can't remember the first one]
-prostitots
-alcoholics
-people who want to be alcoholics
-masochist wannabees - look it up in a dictionary already!

there were about three other ones I think, but they were pretty much the same theme. It was great. And then Noel, stupidest of them all, read it and didn't know it was about him! I mean the last one was written specifically for him. We're banking on the fact that he doesn't know what the word masochist means, thus the extra bit.

If anyone know what the sign said more accurately, leave a comment!

*EDIT: real version on Tania's LJ, much better.

...And the update

2004-11-08T01:21:00.000-05:00

Today was Graeme day!

But first, the morning.
Something woke me up at 9:30 and I'm pretty damn sure it was my mom opening my door to stick a note inside my it (dammit!). Then I mumbled around for a while and finally did the vacuuming I was supposed to do. Then I was doing stuff on the computer and my mom came down and said she was leaving right then and didn't wait for me. I had to get a ride from my dad. Garrrr. Then from church my mom drove me to the mall and I hung around in Spencer's til Graeme got to the mall. Then we went to Best Buy and saw Cameron Nord there, which was funny. And we also went to Deja Vu Disks, which is my new favourite place, and HMV sucks even more in comparison, since they cost twice as much.

Then we walked to my house and watched the end of Good Will Hunting on TV and were scared by the church group that were in my house. So we went back to the mall and met up with Nate at East Side's and had a very akward 10 minutes while I almost fell asleep. Then we went to Tim Hortons to fix this falling-asleep and I was too tired to try to un-akward it so I brought out a deck of cards and sipped on my coffee and we all bonded.

Then we were going to go to Nate's house for some super party time, but the fucking bus didn't show up, and we waited for an hour until an "out of service" bus came and told us the Markham local came a half hour ago. But we were there a half hour ago. So that is a dumb lie.

Anyways, Graeme's brother drove us to Nate's, but Graeme had to go home then. At Nate's, Liam came over and we all watched Invader Zim! It was superly fantastic! Then my mom called and told me to be home soon. So Liam was nice and drove me.

And that was my night. Fun!

Uhhh?

2004-11-08T01:03:00.001-05:00

fuckinghell. Everything I do, it is wrong in some way. What the fucking hell do I do? Everyone tells me what I shouldn't do, and not what I should do. And now all is silent on MSN. Great. Another fucking dead end. Every day I get more confused.

Uhhh?

2004-11-08T01:03:00.000-05:00

Song me!

2004-11-07T01:43:00.000-05:00

:I drink a soda drink
I drink a cola drink
I drink a larger drink
I drink a lot of drinks
I sing songs that remind me of the good times
I sing songs that remind me of the best times"

Someone send me this song, I love it.

Work work work

2004-11-06T23:27:00.000-05:00

Ewwww it was so busy today. When I got there there was already a table of 10 (that is a lot considering we have11 tables in all, the biggest being a 6 table). It took about half an hour for the entire restaraunt to fill, including the crappy table they never put people at. For the rest of the night it stayed completely full, whenever someone left we had to clear off the table immediately and put new people there. 4 groups had to wait for their table, and we had to turn one group away. I finished at around 10:30. The worst part of the night was when I managed to accidentally spill water on this couple sitting at the round table (which didn't have a light on it so they had trouble reading the menu or seeing anything). It was bad. At least the server was nice. But Stan (the boss that is usually all jolly and happy and unangry) kept saying we were doing stuff wrong and stuff. Not cool, I hate that. But he got better as the night went on and at the end he made me a full meal, which is good because I was very hungry. Also, I made an incredible $20 tip, yay! That is twice as much as I usually get, if I'm lucky. If you add the tip into my pay, I made about $11.42 an hour. Exciting stuff! Also, they finally paid me for catering, a $70 cheque. And I had $10 in my pocket which means I had instantly $100 in my pocket. It was amazing. And then I spent $2 on coffee, but that's okay cause I haven't had any coffee in a very long time.

I wanted to do something tonight, but I was not wanted tonight. First try was doing something I had no interest in at a location too far away, second try I was not wanted by them, third try I got told they would call back and they wouldn't. It burns my soul like the vodka should be burning my throat, if only I was drinking.

And that is everything. I think, in fact I know, that every time I try to do something right, I end up forgetting about something and doing it wrong in some regard. I am at that point again where I really don't know what to do, and I don't really understand where things stand right now. I feel really alone, since I am losing/lost those who have played important roles in my life, and aren't important enough to anyone else or haven't connected to anyone else that much yet. Or some healthy mix of the two, where I haven't connected enough because I'm not the one they want to connect with. I don't know what to do with myself.

Bartholamew Simpson

2004-11-06T13:19:00.000-05:00

Wow that was a long entry. I like writing the night-of before the alcohol has completely worn off cause I tend to sound insane. Yay insanity!

Title!!

2004-11-06T01:13:00.000-05:00

Well, tonight was pretty fun.

I tagged along with Graeme and Adam and Mike. It was super. We went to Shoeless Joe's and my meal was only $10 (except I didn't contribute to the tip since I had no change). But it was still a good deal. And then we went to Mike's house where we had boring laziness until we DRANK! and that was fun cause, it's always fun. We played games. We played pickup sticks and I kicked ass, and we played Jenga and Adam lost a lot. I think we played some other game too but I don't remember. And also Graeme got tickled a lot, which was funny. Then MXC was on TV ... so damn funny ... and I got all tired and fell asleep on Graeme's leg. Then at 11:30 he gave me a ride home, yay no walking home for 2 hours!

So despite the fact that I feel akward around people I don't know very well so I felt out of place, I still had fun thanks to my good friend vodka. That's the moral of the story.

Ohh, also my phones in my house are all retarded and only the business line (line 2) works. What a surprise that everything works out fine for dad. I smell a conspiracy! Anyways, the point is that line 1 and 3 are dead so don't call me there (hehehe that is pretty funny. If only I still got calls). It will annoy Doug though, since he uses line three all night every night to talk to his girlfriend. So yay!

I forget my point. But anyways...back to deciding what the hell I want in life and other dumb but pivotal questions.

Great Expectations

2004-11-03T21:50:00.000-05:00

Invader Zim tomorrow!
And new alcohol!
And hanging out with Tania after classes! Yay!

tomorrow will be great.

The Exciting

2004-11-02T19:50:00.000-05:00

Today I am glad I only had 2 classes.

I yelled at this stupid screaming girl today, it made me feel better too. She was screaming shrilly while running back and forth. Why the fuck??! I hate it.

2004-11-02T01:12:00.000-05:00

I hate it. I hate you. I hate everyone and everything. I want to leave, let me leave. Forgive me if I ever leave, there's only so much...

Lately

2004-11-01T19:58:00.000-05:00

I BREAK YOU NOW!!

I spent about 12 hours in the insanity of being more fucking suicidal than I ever have in my life. I had plans. I mean what the fuck. I was never like this, ever. When I was so depressed for 5 years I sometimes thought about suicide but it was never actually a likelihood, just a dream. I knew it wasn't worth it. But now I'm "happy" and my lows keep getting worse. Every time it's worse. And this time... it was bad.

And the worst of it was that no one was there to help, and no one knew. And I hurt so fucking much but I was all alone and nobody even did anything. Random strangers noticed I looked really really bad but none of my friends said anything or were there for me or anything. I'm not complaining, cause people just didn't know. I'm just saying that I felt so fucking lonely, and everything hurt even more.

I need to hear it if people care about me. I need to. I just don't know otherwise, and I feel unimportant. That's all I need, that's all that can be done by anyone else. I don't feel like I exist sometimes.

Or at least give me a fucking hug.

HALLOWEEN WAS WONDERFUL!

2004-10-31T23:36:00.000-05:00

Yeah, that's right. Me and Graeme and Tania went on a trickortreating stupendment. It was great. At one house they gave us juice in a can, and at another house we got this really weird microwave popcorn. And we discovered something called dots, truly the crappiest candy of them all. Well, except for Double Bubble (sorry guys! I cursed it). But really, oh man, it was great. I love Halloween.

Also, we watched Donnie Darko, and it was excellent as always. I noticed even more new stuff I didn't notice before. That movie is great.

And this week I'm gonna buy so much candy!! Yay, exciting.

The end.

2004-10-31T11:30:00.000-05:00

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!

Yes, uhh...

Oh, right. Yesterday.

It was lotsa fun, we were at Leigh's and we watched
-Dawn of the Dead
-The Witches of (name of town I can't remember)
-can't remember the other one

and then we drove around for a bit, until we remembered how boring Markham is. And then we went back and HUTTUBBED! Yay but then I felt weird and lightheaded and bad so I had to get out. And today is

TRICKORTREATING!!! day! I am excited. But I am missing something.

Tania do you know where my cape is? You had it for a bit at the party but I don't remember what happened to it after that. Maybe you can help me solve the mystery. I keep forgetting to ask.

AND I need more alky. I had a full thing at the beginning of the party, and now there's hardly any left :( a lot of people drank it without asking and I shared a lot.

2004-10-31T01:12:00.000-05:00

Arg, I am so fucking lonely anytime I don't see people I usually see for a while. I am lonely anyways. And also in need of slutliness. Arg, I am so scared of breaking people by accident.

The Other Half

2004-10-30T16:36:00.000-04:00

On the other hand, I had tons of fun at the party and met about a million new people. The night itself was great and I am glad I was there.

So, you fucked this up again

2004-10-30T09:33:00.000-04:00

Remember "Gill you're such a ruiner"? And all that shit, that I hated? Well I hated it cause it was true, and it's still true. I just broke about 5 things. I got too drunk. I broke promises. I left people behind. I was swayed by some guy I don't even know just cause he liked me and I can't resist that because I can pretend I'm very special for a bit or something.

This is to say I'm sorry, and I really don't know what to do now. Yeah, I fuck everything up. For some reason I always do the stupid thing. I hope I didn't ruin anything too much.

b

2004-10-30T02:26:00.000-04:00

I am so sorry. I didn't know what was going on. I feel really bad about it all, I did. But you know me, fuck. I think I screwed up about 5 people. Wow, I keep looking at the page and seeing costumes!

EDIT: this happens when I am drunk. I couldn't concentrate and I kept replacing words with random jumbles of letters, so I'm pretty impressed they're all words. I didn't mean costumes, I meant something else but I don't know what I meant.

I'll do this tomorrow

2004-10-29T01:04:00.000-04:00

BOLD what you’ve seen all the way through. ITALICIZE what you’ve seen half way through. UNDERLINE what you own. Add 3 of your own.
01. Trainspotting
02. Shrek
03. M
04. Dogma
05. Strictly Ballroom
06. The Princess Bride
07. Love Actually
08. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
09. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
10. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
11. Reservoir Dogs
12. Desperado
13. Swordfish
14. Kill Bill Vol. 1
15. Donnie Darko
16. Spirited Away
17. Better Than Sex
18. Sleepy Hollow
19. Pirates of the Caribbean
20. The Eye
21. Requiem for a Dream
22. Dawn of the Dead
23. The Pillow Book
24. The Italian Job
25. Goonies
26. Baseketball
27. The Spice Girls Movie
28. Army of Darkness
29. The Color Purple
30. The Safety of Objects
31. Can't Hardly Wait
32. Mystic Pizza
33. Finding Nemo
34. Monsters Inc.
35. Circle of Friends
36. Mary Poppins
37. The Bourne Identity
38. Forrest Gump
39. A Clockwork Orange
40. Kindergarten Cop
41. On The Line
42. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
43. Final Destination
44. Sorority Boys
45. Urban Legend
46. Cheaper by the Dozen
47. Fierce Creatures
48. Dude, Where's My Car
49. Ladyhawke
50. Ghostbusters
51. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
52. Back to the Future
53. An Affair To Remember
54. Somewhere In Time
55. North By Northwest
56. Moulin Rouge
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Zoolander
60. A Walk to Remember
61. Chicago
62. Vanilla Sky
63. The Sweetest Thing
64. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead
65. The Nightmare Before Christmas
66. Chasing Amy
67. Edward Scissorhands
68. Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert
69. Muriel's Wedding
70. Croupier
71. Blade Runner
72. Cruel Intentions
73. Ocean's Eleven (the original)
74. Magnolia
75. Fight Club
76. Beauty and The Beast
77. Much Ado About Nothing
78. Dirty Dancing
79. Gladiator
80. Ever After
81. Braveheart
82. What Lies Beneath
83. Regarding Henry
84. The Dark Crystal
85. Star Wars
86. The Birds
87. Beaches
88. Cujo
89. Maid In Manhattan
90. Labyrinth
91. Thoroughly Modern Millie
92. His Girl Friday
93. Chocolat
94. Independence Day
95. Singing in the Rain
96. Big Fish
97. The Thomas Crown Affair
98. The Matrix
99. Stargate
100. A Hard Day's Night
101. About A Boy
102. Jurassic Park
103. Life of Brian
104. Dune
105. Help!
106. Grease
107. Newsies
108. El Mariachi
109. Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
110. Benny and Joon
111. Monsoon Wedding
112. The Wrong Trousers
113. Once Were Warriors
114. Pulp Fiction
115. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
116. It's A Wonderful Life
117. What Dreams May Come
118. The Aristocats
119. Dante's Peak
120. Run Lola Run
121. Scream
122. Short Circuit
123. Gone in 60 Seconds
124. Leon [The Professional]
125. Dark City
126. Phone Booth
127. Soul Assassin
128. The Count of Monte Cristo
129. City of Lost Children
130. American History X
131. The Last Unicorn
132. Empire Records
133. Hackers
134. Keeping the Faith
135. Dick Tracy
136. Dazed and Confused
137. American Beauty
138. Gattaca
139. Equilibrium
140. Spun
141. Alien
142. Boondock Saints
143. Loser
144. Great Expectations
145. High Fidelity
146. Shrek 2
147. The Punisher
148. Troy
149. Maverick
150. The Craft
151. Aladdin
152. Saturday Night Fever
153. Boogie Nights
154. Hedwig and the Angry Inch
155. Center Stage
156. The Mummy
157. The Godfather
158. All the President's Men
159. A Knight's Tale
160. Young Frankenstein
161. Wet Hot American Summer
162. The Big Lebowski
163. This Is Spinal Tap
164. Saved!
165. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
166. The Stepford Wives
167. Rebel Without A Cause
168. Bowling For Columbine
169. The Little Mermaid
170. Amalie
171. Dead Poet's Society
172. Varsity Blues
173. Death To Smoochy
174. The Notebook
175. Todo Sobre mi Madre
176. The Watermelon Man
177. Rebecca
178. Swing Kids
179. Sixteen Candles
180. Life is Beautiful
181. 3 Ninjas
182. Two Weeks Notice
183. Ernest Scared Stupid
184. Casablanca
185. The Music Man
186. You've Got Mail
187. The Breakfast Club
188. The Lion King
189. Friday the 13th
190. The Road Home
191. Clockwatchers
192. Ringu
193. Pretty in Pink
194. Orange County
195. Saving Silverman
196. The Virgin Suicides
197. Serendipity
198. Thirtee

My three:
199. Ten Things I Hate About You
200. Interview With a Vampire
201. The Lost Boys

Survey Yay!

2004-10-28T23:47:00.000-04:00

LAYER ONE:

-- first name: Gillian
-- middle name: Kendle
-- last name: Sutcliffe
-- nickname(s): Gill, SuperG!
-- birthplace: Vancouver
-- current location: Markham
-- eye color: blue
-- hair color: red and blue!
-- natural color: dirty blond
-- height: 5'7"
-- righty or lefty: left!
-- zodiac sign: gemini

LAYER TWO:
-- your heritage: uhh...?
-- the shoes you wore today: hooker boots! Yay!
-- your fears: ghosts, dolls, clowns, large open places
-- your perfect pizza: barbeque chicken pizza, mmmm
-- goal you'd like to achieve: get the hell out of my house

LAYER THREE:
-- your most overused phrase on MSN: what's new
-- your thoughts first waking up: what the fuck is that fucking noise fucking HELL
-- your bedtime: later every day
-- your most missed memory: friends I've lost

LAYER FOUR:
-- pepsi or coke: coke
-- mcdonald's or burger king: burger king
-- single or group dates: depends on who, I guess
-- adidas or nike: ewww...adidas I suppose, I hate nike
-- lipton ice tea or nestea: I dunno, I don't like iced tea
-- chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
-- cappuccino or coffee: caffeine of any kind, mmmm

LAYER FIVE:
-- smoke: neverrrr!
-- cuss: pfft. I won't dignify that with a response.
-- sing: when no one's looking
-- take a shower everyday: shhhh...
-- have a crush: on everyone
-- do you think you've been in love: yeah
-- want to go to college: university!
-- like(d) high school: depends what it's compared to
-- want to get married: yeah, probably
-- believe in yourself: no
-- get motion sickness: nope!
-- think you're a health freak: hehehehe rite...
-- get along with your parents: no. just no.
-- like thunderstorms: yeah, they are great
-- have a bf/gf: I hate everything

LAYER SIX:
in the past month...
-- drank alcohol: yesssss
-- smoked: ewwwwww
-- done a drug: define drug
-- had sex: I don't 'do' that.
-- gone on a date: no...wtf is a date anyways, really?
-- gone to the mall?: oh so much
-- eaten an entire box of oreos: fudgeos actually
-- eaten sushi: mmmm...but no
-- been on stage: at the markham fair I jumped onto that stage thing...
-- been dumped: no
-- gone skating: no
-- made homemade cookies: I've eaten homemade cookies, does that count?
-- gone skinnydipping: no
-- dyed your hair: yupp!
-- stolen anything: yes, actually

LAYER SEVEN:
ever...
-- played a game that required removal of clothing: yup!
-- if so, was it mixed company: yes
-- been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yup
-- been caught "doing something": noo
-- been called a tease: not that I know of
-- gotten beaten up: nope
-- shoplifted: once
-- changed who you were to fit in: eww elementary school probably

LAYER EIGHT:
-- age you hope to be married: before I'm too old to get married
-- numbers and names of children: wtf?
-- describe your dream wedding: white dress, that's all I know
-- how do you want to die: surounded by blood
-- where you want to go to college: wtf, not college already
-- what do you want to be when you grow up: YOU!
-- what country would you most like to visit: Australia!

LAYER NINE:
in a guy/girl..
-- best eye color: don't care
-- best hair color?: dyed
-- short or long hair: depends
-- height: this is getting specific and creepy...
-- best weight: not fat (I have my reasons)
-- best articles of clothing: goth stuff (shuddup I think it's hot)
-- best first date location: anywhere...
-- best first kiss location: my MOUTH, duh! hehehe

LAYER TEN:
-- # of drugs taken illegally: I dun understand...too many meanings...
-- # of people i could trust with my life: 2? maybe? I dunno.
-- # of pets you have, what kinds, names: none, boo
-- # of CDs that i own: 15 or something

More!

2004-10-28T22:58:00.000-04:00

The PJ's You Are Most Like: Underwear

You enjoy the simple things in life and aren't hard to pleaseYou have an understated, easy sexyness that men loveAnd you're confident enough to pull it off - without being overbearing

What Kind of PJ's Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

How evil are you?

The Government. Working with aliens, Killing people
mysteriously, and all around working to bring
Armageddon to your door. And you got on their
bad side.

Who's Out To Getcha (Illustrated)
brought to you by What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by

but that's ok cause I got no self esteem...

2004-10-28T21:33:00.000-04:00

I fail I lose I can't do anything I screw everything up and the only way I can stand it is to remind myself I don't count. I don't count, I don't count, I don't exist. I don't matter, I'm not important, I am invisible. Like a ghost I absorb information, experience senses, but don't affect anything. I am transparent. And every once in a while I do something wrong, and I appear just a bit, somewhere between transparent and opaque. That is what I am. That is all I am. I exist in theory only. I am the meaning behind the lines, that no one bothers to look for. I am nothing.

Mall again

2004-10-28T20:35:00.000-04:00

O MAN! I just discovered that The General Store sells Emily Strange stuff! AND Night Before Christmas stuff (and there's this coffin cell phone holder that I reallly want but it's too expensive). Anyways, I am excited beyond belief. I bought a change purse thing for eight dollars, not too bad. Also I bought socks for eight dollars. Which means I spent less than $20 today! Yay!

Halloween Time!

2004-10-27T20:12:00.000-04:00

Yay I bought new stuff for halloween! I got purple+black striped stockings, and spider stockings, and hooker boots! Yay! I am excited. I love Halloween so much. Yay! I can't wait til this weekend.

OLP yay!

2004-10-27T01:46:00.000-04:00

"and Sara thinks
she's died here once before
she's crazy
a pop-up book
of flowers from grade 4
are driving
her insane"

I love OLP

2004-10-26T21:27:00.000-04:00

I love...coffee.
I love...Kristen.
I love...HALLOWEEN!!!

I hate...grade nines
I hate...cough medicine
I hate...change

To elaborate, the order doesn't matter. And Kristen you are the best ever, life is too busy lately. I miss you.

cough medicine is icky and vile.

Today was good

2004-10-26T19:11:00.001-04:00

Today was good. It was. It really was.But I still feel hopeless and empty and that other dreaded word that I won't mention. And I still take silent inventory of a room's sharp objects, and I still carry around "supplies". But I haven't done anything. But I'm scared cause I know I'll screw up my arms again. I've stopped hiding them and being afraid of them showing, and I don't want to go back. But I know I'm going down that roads. And so many roads. So many roads, all that kind of road. I've kept a wound open all day.

Today was good

2004-10-26T19:11:00.000-04:00

100 old

2004-10-25T20:17:00.000-04:00

Ah blah, I was gonna do a 100th-post thing, but I missed it, so I'm gonna pretend this is the hundredth post.

Yay! 100! I am blogging queen. Right...

It occured to me I am really not in the mood to be celebrating a hundreth post. Blah.

But

If you comment I'll give you candy!

That is my 100 deal, okie? okie.

The Game

2004-10-25T18:55:00.000-04:00

Invent a memory of me and post it in the comments. It can be anything you want, so long as it's something that's never happened. Then, of course, post this to your journal and see what people would like to remember of you, only the universe failed to cooperate in making it happen so they had to make it up instead.

And it's always been this deep...

2004-10-25T18:41:00.000-04:00

I just want, need to be hugged all the time, to be constantly convinced that I am cared for and that I matter. I am hanging on minute by minute, but what am I holding onto? I am holding on to all of you, so please do not let go. Not right now. I'll learn how to be alone some other time, I'll change it myself eventually, but right now I need help from people, I need it to survive right now. I really mean it. Everything its so painful, it's like the world is made of invisible razorblades that slash away at my soul until I can't even breathe anymore, can't even see. I can't do anything right now, I know you think I can or at least you tell me so but please believe me at those times when I say I can't handle it, because I really really can't sometimes. I just need something to hold onto.

Blah die

2004-10-25T17:14:00.000-04:00

Everything I had is gone. Everything I worked for has melted away. I got so far but it all means nothing and now I'm right back where I started. I felt so fucking lonely at school today because there really isn't anyone most of the time. I am dying. I am dead.

Two Thirty

2004-10-25T02:33:00.000-04:00

It is the middle of the night and I'm SUPPOSED to be writing my story, but I just can't concentrate at all. It's pathetic.

You know what else is pathetic? I cried 3 times this weekend. The last time I cried before that was a looong time ago. Once was cause things were falling apart, once cause it's painful to see someone else in a pain I have experienced, and once I can't remember. I am a crybaby. This weekend anyways. Everything's just changing too fast. Nothing makes sense anymore. Blarg.

Why can't I be happy.

2004-10-24T21:47:00.000-04:00

I didn't drink this weekend at all. Too bad. I didn't do much at all. Except realise that I am messed. One way or another I am messed.

This weekend, I dunno. I don't know what's going on anymore. Everything I assumed was for sure is not for sure. I think that just scares the fuck outta me.

Hehe

2004-10-24T17:15:00.000-04:00

yay music!

Trading around music is fun (esp. to someone who doesn't have a way to download)

Better now

2004-10-24T13:40:00.000-04:00

Thank you to my friends, I love you guys so much. I don't know what I would've done if you guys weren't there. Everything was just falling apart in my head and nothing made sense. I didn't lie when I said that was the lowest I've ever been. I know I would've ended up doing something stupid, and for once there was people there to stop me. Thank you for being so great.

That's Enough...Of Me...

2004-10-23T01:23:00.000-04:00

ATTACK OF THE MONKEYS!

I let someone down again. Blarg. I suck.

And in other news, things are going well. With. And... by well I mean I don't know what the fuck to do, I am so torn. But yeah... arg! Watch me fail

And any plans this weekend, I need to be told about cause it is an empty void. Hear that? a void! That sucks! voids are all empty and stuff!

...And Again

2004-10-21T22:55:00.000-04:00

Why can't I make up my mind about one fucking thing in my whole entire useless fucking existance?

I don't want to lose you but there's too many things in the way... I don't know what to do.

Yeah

2004-10-20T23:41:00.000-04:00

Today we ... DIED ALL MY HAIR! Yay! It is alll red! It is fun. But really tripping me out cause it doesn't look like me. Like the mirror person is clearly a stranger. It is weird.

Ya...anyways...as to that question that is now in my hands...I think deep down inside I know exactly what I want, I'm just terrified of screwing it up again. And never seeing...

Blah. This is phone stuff not blog stuff. But it is late.

What else...I dunno. That's it, for now.

Update!

2004-10-19T23:23:00.000-04:00

My parents are gonna look closer to the school for a house! due to my brother being sad about not seeing his friends :(

Todayyie blah

2004-10-19T22:23:00.000-04:00

Today was so fucking boring. SOOO boring.

And then I had a headache and sickness and missed trampolining and tutoring
muahaha

and YOU are STUPID, what happened to the "I have never stopped caring about someone EVER" thing? Screw you. You are the source of a lot of problems in my brain.

Feel my strawberry-coloured wrath!

2004-10-18T22:18:00.000-04:00

Mmmm, turtles.

This whole moving things is really pissing me off. Really really pissing me off. My parents are intent on taking back every piece of freedom they ever gave me and returning to me that sick, restricted feeling I got so used to not having. Damn the, they are idiots. Curses.

I really hope I find out what's going on with ... boys. I wish I even knew what I wanted. But I'm pretty sure. But there's only so much time...

AND tonight I did homework. I did that thing for bio. It looks really pretty in some ways, but in other ways it looks like crap, and my 'tangling' shall we say really sucks a lot. Oh well, a bad mark is better than no mark. Hopefully it will bring my mark up from the 31% it sits at now. That's right, it's been a month and a half and I'm already hardcore failing a course. So pathetic. I am such a waste of life-energy.

Did you know that if you use energy that "something somewhere else in the univers loses energy"? Wow. I hope I am stealing energy from a faraway planet, not just the obvious conclusion: that I am taking energy from the things I am in contact in, dumb crack-baby textbook.

Yay! The end.

Damn my parents!

2004-10-17T22:55:00.000-04:00

My dad is getting a job in Florida. Which is
good because he will be gone a lot, but
bad because
we all have to go down there for Christmas break and March break, but that
is good because
Kristen is coming for Match break and
I get to stay at home alone for 5 days
which, frankly, rocks.
BUT
we are selling the house this year
and buying one more North of here
in the Stouffville direction.
NO.
I cannot do that.
Even if I will be going to the same school
(I will)
I will still be far away.
I think
I'll go live in Tania's basement.
I can't take this,
All the feelings of being trapped
and stuff
are coming back, and I realise what an effect
this stuff has and has had on me.
I feel desparate again, and felt strongly felt like cutting today, bad me.

Also, I littered today.
I never ever litter, and today I did.
I did it purposely and with no guilt.
Weird.

Also,
I went klepto yesterday
what the hell.
I've never stolen anything in my entire life
until yester day.
again, what the hell.

fix me!

Yay Quizzilla!

2004-10-16T15:33:00.000-04:00

A bloody gruesome death. You're most likely a
self-mutilator. You like the burning sensation
you get as your skin gives way to the blade and
watching as the rivers of blood flow down your
arm and onto the bathroom floor. You don't
really care HOW you end up killing
yourself...just as long as you're dead in the
end and there's a mess for people to clean up.
After all, they deserve it anyway right? And
you like whatever is convenient at the time for
you...so there's no real planning to be done.

What Form Of Suicide Are You?
brought to you by

CELL PHONE!

2004-10-16T10:08:00.000-04:00

Oh man, Yeah I totally had other things on my mind and forgot to say: I GOT A CELL PHONE!! Yes, I rock. I am so happy about it. I have free evenings and weekends (evenings 6PM to 7AM) . My number is:

416 - 320 - 8550

So yay! It is exciting. I bought it spur-of-the-moment style. Awesome! It was great.

So call me!

The End Forever

2004-10-16T09:43:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so it is over forever.
I mean cause it was already over, but now it's over forever.

So I'm sorry for yesterday then, it probably didn't help. I enjoyed it though, a last goodbye or something. Blah.
And it makes sense. Doing the same thing over again is ... ya ... frustrating I guess.

And More...

2004-10-14T22:09:00.000-04:00

Yay, this weekend better be a blast! I have soooo much vodka and I better get wasted almost every night. I am excited, and people will apparantly not all be working all the time for once! But like always we need a house. Plus it's raining all weekend, according to the TV. Boo to rain.

Today was fun cause we didn't go to challenge and change, and had the whole afternoon off! Me and Kristen both fell asleep. Yay us!

And now I am looking for a good picture to stick on here for this alledged 'profile' thing. Yay!

Mall!

2004-10-13T22:51:00.000-04:00

So today, I bought stuff.
A lot of stuff, yay.

- black Paddington Bear coat
- thigh-high striped stockings
- leggings/nylons/whatever they are, also striped
- Emily Strange CD holder
- scarf (finally!)
- I think something else but I can't remember

It was fun, sometimes I like shopping alone.

I am going insane, I keep ending up replacing real words in the sentence I'm typing with completely random words. It is so weird! I think it's the sleep shortage.

For You!

2004-10-13T22:44:00.000-04:00

TANIA!

this one's for you.

Ok I should make it actually something.

Uhh...what days are you working? I can't remember, but I know you told me.

Also...halloween is on a Sunday :( less cool. But we gotta go to the...place and get stuff!

Soooo Weirded!

2004-10-12T23:45:00.000-04:00

Oh fuck fuck fucker, I am so messed on lack of sleep! I love this so much, you have no idea. But if I fall asleep I'll cry. I've already made it 36 hours and 47 minutes. Go me. But I just know I'll wake up in this armchair with the laptop in 2 pieces on the ground or something...not cool. But I hafta hide in my room between 4 and 7, and I can't have the light on or my mom will ask why, like she did yesterday.

My mind is so messed, I keep making up all these weird stories about everything instead of continuing my real train of thought. So I keep pausing. Blah, what the fuck.

Woah, I keep typing half-sentences and then pausing and then reading them and totally forgetting what I was writing about, so I start over again.

That's about it. More later.

ARRRRRRGG!

2004-10-12T21:06:00.000-04:00

K what the fuck, that comment (http://gcool.blogspot.com/2004/10/work.html#comments third and fourth) is bugging the hell out of me and I don't know why. Well I do, kind of.

1. curiosity burns at my soul
2. it makes me uneasy to know someone is resenting me right now and I'm completely oblivious
3. it also makes me feel really bad because believe it or not I do not try to hurt people
4. I am paranoid, therefore it could be some stranger or someone I know just making a "joke" or something. Too bad it is missing humour.

Anyways, IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG, TELL ME! Ok? I really hate not knowing my faults but people won't tell me when I ask. And it's stupid if you are using 'anonymous' as a way to yell at me but then being too much of a coward to talk to me about it. Arrrrrg, for fuck sake just tell me already. I hate doing things wrong.

No Sleep For Me!

2004-10-12T15:48:00.000-04:00

OH MY GOSH I didn't sleep last night. Toady was like being on drugs, without the drugs. I told Tania I didn't need sleep and she said she thought I'd only last a couple more days, say until English tomorrow, where I would crash. So now my goal is to stay awake from now until (;30 when English is over. My weapon is coffee, and my shield is... also coffee I guess. Or sugar.

My bio teacher saw me in the hall both before and after his class today, and since I skipped he talked to me when he saw me the second time and asked if I was dropping the class. I said no and he said basically that I better come to class and try and stuff, because I'm "smart and can do it". Except for the fact that I can't do it, my brain is falling apart, I'm working through stuff and adjusting A LOT right now, and I have a retarded tutor. So yeah, fuck. It hurt my brain.

Things People Might Say

2004-10-12T01:18:00.000-04:00

EAT YOUR BABIES!!

I am so typical no one understands me because I am the only one in the world with these problems OBVIOUSLY

If you have a problem with a certain superhero, you should let them know. No one like people talking behind their backs.

In libraries you have to whisper. In cemetaries it's scary to whisper. In a loud place it is sometimes fun to whisper cause no one can hear you, and if they do they think you're psycho.

*foreign language*

Be older. Being older is good. Be straight. Being straight is good. Be white. Being white is good. Be rich. Being rich is essential. Be popular. Being popular is good. Be anorexic. Being skinny is good.

Ye be see the me wee tea lee tree free ski brie flee flea tee pee ree

2004-10-11T22:04:00.000-04:00

Life is such a struggle.

In The US

2004-10-11T14:54:00.000-04:00

It is National Coming Out day! Yay! Have a party!

2004-10-11T13:21:00.000-04:00

You know what, I have a problem. I am single so I feel attracted to 50 million people solely based on the fact that deep down inside I don't like being alone and I want to be with someone. But then if I actually think about being in a relationship I feel kinda claustrophobic, and then hopeless and tired because I don't feel like fucking something new up and losing another friend. So I have a problem. It's a catch-22 because no matter what it doesn't work........... blah. Neeeeeeeeeed hellp.

I am so glad Kristen is my best friend though, I don't feel that feeling of ultimate lonliness because I have the BESTEST BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD!!! Yay!! You rock :P

I Love Webcomics!

2004-10-11T11:55:00.000-04:00

Lalalalalalalala!

Here is a list for your enjoyment:

http://www.machalll.com
http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3
http://www.questionablecontent.net
http://loserz.scribblekid.org
http://www.leastIcoulddo.com
http://www.boasas.com
http://www.ghastlycomic.com
http://www.stripteasecomic.com
http://go-girly.com

Those are all the one from the laptop, there's a few more I'm missing but all in good time they shall be added...

Yay!

Thanksgiving

2004-10-11T02:11:00.000-04:00

Matt came over tonight, we watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It's such a great movie.
Of all the people that visited from university this weekend, I realise I have missed him the most. It was fun seeing him again. And of course he is my parent's favourite, so they were happy to see him too.

Earlier today me and Kristen had work. I had four and a half coffees today and three teas. And yet I am drained. Go figure.

Also, tonight was our family thanksgiving dinner and Isiah was there, the cutest little baby ever! Awwe, he is so adorable!

Also Stefan came over, which was good for Kristen because she really wanted to see him.

All in all a pretty good day.

Blog Game Thing!

2004-10-10T22:29:00.000-04:00

1. Take your LiveJournal username and replace each letter with the corresponding number (a=1, b=2, etc.). If your name contains numbers, you'll need to convert them to words first before you can convert to numbers.:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

GCooltwozerozeroone=7+3+15+15+12+2+20+23+15+26+5+18+15+23+15+26+5+18+15+15+14+5

2. Add all of the numbers together to create a kind of super number.

312

3. Make a note of the first digit of this number, then add the digits of the number together.

3
6

4. Find the post of this number in your DeadJournal. If you don't have that many posts, add the digits together again. Keep doing so until the number is smaller than your pathetic number of posts.

The day after Liam's hair was dyed, day of whirlyball

5. Take the digit you noted in step 3, and count that many words into the post.

had

6. Use the resulting word in a google image search, and select your most favourite picture from the first page and post the results

.

Work

2004-10-09T22:20:00.000-04:00

Yes, today was work and nothing else. I'm really hoping something will happen tonight. Or else we'll make something happen, muahaha. But I think I will be let out, my mom doesn't seem too broken up about last night. We'll see how it goes.

Markham Bowl!!

2004-10-09T13:37:00.000-04:00

I had SO much fun! I was so drunk and so happy all night, it was great! I don't know if I have the attention span or memory to write it all down, but the main stuff:

-Almost getting booked by the cops. They made the boys pour out all their all their beer, but they didn't find my vodka.

-Seeing tons of people and everyone being friendly to everyone else cause everyone was wasted on something

-Being drunk so close to sooo many teachers and them not caring

-My mom calling at 2 in the morning wondering where I was

So great! I love Markham Bowl!

Also, whoever left that comment a while back saying that they were mad at me and I should know why, I don't even know who left that comment so it really could be anything. At least tell me who you are. Garrr!

Poetry

2004-10-07T21:49:00.000-04:00

Wow, I just looked on my old poetry blog, and there's some pretty good stuff on there. It makes me sad, because now what I write isn't even real poetry, it's just rants. I love writing poetry, and I will be very sad if now I suck forever.

Bla

2004-10-07T21:29:00.000-04:00

Don't know where to turn when I don't know who to tell, don't know where to go when I don't know where to find the answers. Don't know who to call when no one understands, don't know what to do when I'm all alone.

Song!

2004-10-07T21:02:00.000-04:00

Monday Morning Church
written by Brent Baxter/Erin Enderlin
performed by Alan Jackson
You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer
'Cause I can't seem to talk to God without yelling anymore
And when I sit at your piano
I can almost hear those hymns
The keys are just collecting dust
But I can't close the lid
CHORUS:
You left my heart as empty
as a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith
and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
The preacher came by Sunday
said he missed me at the service
He told me Jesus loves me
but I'm not sure I deserve it
'Cause the faithful man that you loved
is nowhere to be found
Since they took all that he believed
and laid it in the ground

I still believe in Heaven
and I'm sure you've made it there
But as for me without your love
I don't have a prayer

It is a country song which kills it, but I never heard it, I just saw the lyrics, so I can deny that part. Anyways, the lyrics are pretty damn cool because of what it's about. It is also sad. I like the lyrics.

Blogger is a fuck.

2004-10-07T20:24:00.000-04:00

Blogger is a fuck. I wrote a whole thing and it didn't post, and now it's lost forever. Curses!

I have the answer! I win!

2004-10-07T19:46:00.000-04:00

"Today I made you a mixed tape, to say exactly how I feel inside, and make you feel it too."

I love that song because it has memories of one of the nicest gifts I've ever gotten, and because it is the end of a time period. Never again will there be 'mixed tapes'. Burned CD's just aren't the same. Plus the song is really sweet, and sweet things make me happy.

Speaking of songs, need more. Moremoremore! Somebody please send me good songs! Yay, thank you!

I had a revelation today. In about five minutes I realized something I've been trying to figure out for five years. I love all our older friends and stuff, they are so awesome. But that's exactly it, they are way more interesting/fun/whatever than me. So when other people are around, I get pushed ito the background and stuff. I don't really feel important or special or like I matter or exist. There are people who talk to me and it's great, but only until someone better comes along. The only person who I felt actually wanted to talk to me because of me whenever we talked was Laura (don't know her last name, curses! but the one who loves Johnny Depp) [*EDIT*: Laura Baird!], who rocks my socks! Anyways, this year my depression has finally gone away, and as sad as it is, it's because all the good people left so I am higher up the proverbial chain. For some reason more people notice me now, and say hi to me and stuff. I don't get it, but I'm going with it. I know some of it is my self-esteem issues, but it's not just that, because in actual fact a lot of the time it is indesputably the way explained above. But yeah, anyways, that's the whole thing. I am only good when there's nothing better around. So there you go.

Also, I think it is possible I just offended about 6 people in that, I don't mean anything against anyone, it's just the way it is. You all rock.

So...

2004-10-07T19:16:00.000-04:00

I'm bi. There, done.

Short

2004-10-06T22:31:00.000-04:00

Yay CD player! Today was pretty good. I dunno, it was fun. Except that I skipped calculus class again, because I'm an idiot. Blah. When will I learn?

And I screwed up things yesterday, but I do feel a lot better because of it, which is dumb. Whatever. And I can still feel it now, which is weird.

I missed the bus this morning, had to take public transit. Dumb of me, got there late but early enough to fail a quiz.

Whafuck?

2004-10-06T01:19:00.000-04:00

Yeah, oops, for a while there I forgot I didn't exist. I started acting like I did exist. That would explain why everything was weird.

I don't know how to be happy, it's such a struggle, why is it such a struggle? It's rediculous, I'm finally not depressed anymore, I enjoy it for about a month, and now it's all I can do not to swallow a bottle of pills and make everything back to normal again. But I'm still not depressed. I mean how does that even work? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA what the fuck?! This doesn't make sense, and I don't know what to do.

But I still don't want to cut, that's good, right?

Stereo 51

2004-10-05T20:46:00.000-04:00

Stereo 51 is coming to town.

That's right.

You'll find out later.

Vote now!

2004-10-04T20:11:00.000-04:00

VOTE: who's the hottest actress?

and who's the hottest actor?

Your vote makes a difference!

Quizzes are fun (and accurate too!)

2004-10-04T17:31:00.000-04:00

Take the quiz: "Method'>http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=30">"Method of Suicide"

Mutilation
You have come to terms with your demons and wish to see yourself bleed. Your method of suicide is Mutilation.

Work

2004-10-03T17:13:00.000-04:00

Ooh, today I got all dressed up for work in my new shoes and black buttoned-up shirt. So great. And I got $12 tip. Yay! And I don't have to work tonight! So it all works, except I think someone is mad at me.

Markham Fair

2004-10-03T01:24:00.000-04:00

Yay! It was fun! Saw a bunch of people including AJ, which was cool to see him again. Sean (sp?) and Lauren were hanging out with us too, and they are sooo great especially Lauren. She's my hero, she's always smiling and nice and stuff, and her hair is 2 colours. Also, me and Leslie were a level one might call normal, yaaay, but also adds to screwed-up-ness. But overall the fair was pretty damn fun. Oh except for these asshole racism cops. They were the stupidest most aggravating people I have ever met. THEY (cops like them) are the reason for every bad impression people have of cops. Damn them, those fuckers.

Anyways, that's it I think. We drove around for a while, ate at McDonald's. I didn't drink at all. I have work tomorrow all day, except between 3 (or 4) and 6.

Oh, also I left my purse and sweater in Winsor's van, and I have his sweater. So we need to fix that.

But that's it for the night. Night!

Yesterday

2004-10-02T13:27:00.000-04:00

I gotta stop writing anything when I'm drunk.
Oh well, whatever. Yesterday was fun for me but I think it wasn't for anyone else. And the cap on my vodka broke so it won't screw shut now. Which kinda sucks, but it didn't spill anywhere because Sara put an elastic around it.

2004-10-02T02:11:00.000-04:00

Fuck, I am so drunk.
Fuck, Corey's hot.
Fuck, Leslie is confusing.
Fuck, Nate is angry and double-standard-ish

But guess what? i got some black nailpolish and black lipstick (to mix with the red lipstick). Yay! I almost bought a witch's hat, but then I decided against it.

Hero's World

2004-09-30T20:18:00.000-04:00

Never thought I would find myself in Hero's World, but I tagged along with Jay and Liam. It was pretty fun despite the fact that I so did not know what was going on. Also, I have never found shoes I like in less than 2 months, and I did it in a week. Yay! All ready for work now. Actually I still need pants, but it isn't really important.

I am officially not depressed anymore, I've decided. My emotions now fall into the normal range of human emotions, yay! I dunno if anyone else noticed any difference, but it's definitely different in my head. But it's really screwing me up. You would think not being depressed would be pretty straight-forward, but it isn't. I don't even know. Things are confusing like this, I don't know how things are supposed to be.
For clarity: I am not saying that suddenly I'm never sad. Or that half of my emotions are now on the positive side. I'm just saying that now I no longer sink as low as depression, I no longer think so many things. Of the bad kind I mean.
That isn't to say the urges have gone away. Certainly not. In fact they are pretty strong right now, despite everything. The temptation to just numb everything out and/or give up is difficult to resist. But I think things are together enough that I can resist it. Go me. Yay.

What else? Oh yeah, who wants to see The Forgotten? I do, and I think we're seeing it on Friday, so let me know if you want to come.

That's it.

FOP

2004-09-29T18:27:00.000-04:00

Fairly Odd Parents is so great.

Lipstick

2004-09-29T16:33:00.000-04:00

I think there are some wonderings as to what the fuck I am doing to my face (or in other words, why the hell am I wearing ridiculously red lipstick these days). I don't even know if it looks good or bad or stupid, but I like it because it is fun. It is weird. It matches my hair.
But mostly it makes me different.
Part of it is I need to be different in some way to the people around me. I need to have something that reminds me I am not the same, or maybe I need to have something that reminds others that I exist. Whatever. The other part of it, the bigger part of it is be different than myself before. I have changed a lot in the last month or two, inside and out, and I need to be different than I was before because who I was before wasn't working out.
And that's the lipstick story.

Today in Challenge and Change Mr. Howard sang another song and it was about (as most songs are) about love and relationships, and we were also talking about relationships and what makes people attractive to each other and stuff like that, and suddenly I realised how fucking lonely I am. Gaah, I had to 'go to the washroom' and calm myself down cause I felt claustrophobic like I couldn't breathe. I thought I was all good with everything, I'm not. I don't know what's going on.

What else. Gilmore Girls tonight, yay! And hopefully dyeing hair, we'll see.

Ends and beginnings

2004-09-28T21:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my last therapy day. It was great, I'm so happy it's over! Yay!

And then today was my first day with the bio tutor. Which was horrible. There were many painful things I would have preferred to have been doing at the time, like cutting my heart out with a dull spoon and feeding it to the cat. I never ever want to see her again, but I gotta go back next week.

Mallrats

2004-09-27T21:29:00.000-04:00

For serious. Almost every day after school I end up at the mall. How sad. And there's nothing to do, today we sat on the couches when we first got there staring at news playing on the TV for about half an hour. Oh well, better than being at home.

OMFG

2004-09-26T23:28:00.000-04:00

My family is insane. We're getting another vehicle.

Well mainly it is for Doug. For his 17th birthday. I got basically nothing for my 17th birthday from my parents, what the hell, and he gets a van? Once again, Doug wins because he is so damn special and everyone likes him so damn much, and he achieves at everything.

Anyways, it is a 70's VW van. Yes, like the one that Kelso has in that 70's show, except with a hell of a lot more decals. Anyways, it is exclusively for roadtrips or excursions, and specifically not for driving to school. What the hell, cause we weren't acting rich enough, now we have to have 4 cars. But yeah, so now I can go on fun trips to places with lots of people. It seats 7, and stuff turns into beds so I think it sleeps 5 or something. It is the awesomest thing ever, but at the same time it makes me very angry.

I saw pics, so when I get one on the computer I'll put it up for all to see.

Also, the make-out count for Saturday night was only 2, which was good. I was only there until a little after 12, so it's reasonable. I think this isn't a good thing that I need to do this all the time. Well whatever, I won't always do this.

Walking the tracks...again

2004-09-25T10:37:00.000-04:00

Last night we were at Nate's, it was someone's birthday party, and almost everyone there was really cool. It was so much fun, I made new friends. I think there were about 10 people (including me) there for most of it until Liam and Wes and Winsor showed up. But I made out with 5 people out of 10, that's pretty impressive. I didn't even realize that until now. Go me.

If anyone has an accurate count of how many people were there, I would like to know.

Then at about 3:30 we walked back home. On the tracks. Again. We are insane. We were both so wasted, but we made it. It took forever though. The scary part is the bridge, where in between the railroad slats is just empty space, and it's a big enough gap that if you don't pay attention you could get your foot caught and fall down, possibly over the edge.

And we're going again tonight to the real party. Yay! As long as we get back from the University Fair on time, which will not be fun today. Oh well, it's all good.

Catch you on the flipside!

Ever so sketchy

2004-09-22T23:19:00.000-04:00

Today I was sketched out, a lot. I've just been different lately, in my head. It's like I can't deal with everything, so I have to shut down half my brain. When I'm like that I function even worse in life because I can only concentrate on one thing at a time so I trip a lot and can't stand straight even more than normal. And then my brain only half thinks, like 2D thinking instead of 3D thinking or something. And for some reason I was obsessed with looking in mirrors because I couldn't remember what I looked like.

I am fucked up. I would bet a lot of money on the fact that I need medication in order to function and just no one noticed it yet.

Today I bought a new Emily Strange shirt!! Yay!!! I am going to forget about how much I spent though. It is sick, but it's not like there's a cheaper place to get it. But I do want to go downtown again and look since there's waaaay more and better selection there.

Return of Jafar

2004-09-20T21:26:00.000-04:00

Back to the bad mood. Happiness died. Things are back to normal. It hurts a lot now, because of the harsh decent. Garrr.

So fucking alone. And I miss. Dammit, that is so stupid. Why can't I handle things, or make the right choices? Why am I so fucking socially inept? Fuck.

Malfunctioning again

2004-09-20T17:41:00.000-04:00

Why do I have absolutely no want for a relationship right now? For my whole life I have always wanted to be in a relationship, and now I do not at all. Especially with anyone new.

Meh, nothing else to say at the moment really. I want to go to Starbucks later. But alone is kinda sad.

Who are you and what have you done with Gill?

2004-09-19T23:11:00.000-04:00

Yay!!! No more going to Monday therapy crap thing anymore!! Just one more day of it, and that's it forever!!

Also, me and Kristen are going to move to inside the restaraunt when the ice cream shack closes for the winter. Let's hear it for not having to find a job! I am so excited!

And other stuff. I dunno. Everything is so great right now that I will not write about anything bad in this entry. After work we went and ate at Swiss Chalet for $15 even each, including tax and a big tip. And it was yummy.

Then we went to East Side's to see Jay (Nate was there too) and it was cute because today it is Jay and Kristen's 6 month (awwwwe) and they are so cute. Jay got Kristen a picture of the two of them in a pretty frame, and Kristen did a crazy thing with a CD and some other stuff, and it was all so cute, and yay! It is fun fun.

What else. I dunno, other good stuff, insert here. Oh yeah, someone said I was pretty when I was at hte ice cream shcak today! Hehe, yay, I love compliments! It was this grandma person that didn't speak english, and her daughter had to translate for her, but it was sweet. Made my day, brightened my mood. Improved my self-esteem.

I think that's all. *HAPPY!!!*

Last night ... she said...

2004-09-19T13:07:00.000-04:00

Brownies!! Yummy!! Ok I didn't have any, but they were fun to buy.

Yesterday we wandered around all night basically, my favourite part being buying a bucket of potato salad for dinner. That was great. And the 89 cent big bottle of pop, and then in the same store a smaller bottle, smae brand same type, for $1.39. Fools.

Then I fell asleep. I haven't been that tired in ages. It was only 1:30 and I was falling asleep. But there is this very cracked out show we watched, it was crazy, called the Delta State. Soooo weird. It was cartoon, but their mannerisms and expressions and stuff were exactly like real people. It was sooo weird. I am still trying to figure it out.

Abnormal

2004-09-16T21:37:00.000-04:00

Today the ice cream shack was very boring and I didn't like it, and very few people bought ice cream, and all the ice cream was really hard, and people wanted singles and doubles mostly, and very few in cups. Not cool.

This last couple days I've had all this energy, and it's really freaking me out because it's not normal at all. But them also I keep getting really tired every once in a while. I am just really confused. I don't know what to make of it. And my moods are entirely not normal, so I think there's something going on. Something being put into my food or something.

Trains of thought are for the weak

2004-09-15T22:42:00.000-04:00

I have decided I do not like getting drunk off beer.

Oh, guess what I did today? I said no to drugs! I also prevented forest fires, as only I can (smokey the bear would be proud).

Now I am bored, I was so hyper all day it scares me. And yesterday too. This is not normal.

I want to dye at least some of my hair black, in stead of just colouring it in with a stupid marker when I'm in the mood. But I don't know where you get black hair dye and stuff.

Also, I don't think I'm allowed to get a lip ring, that might have to wait til next year. Or June. But I will get something peirced. Maybe my eyebrow, I have always wanted that but maybe it would look stupid on me. I really don't know.

The ice cream needs to hire at least one other ice cream person, this system is really bad. One of us is always working, so it's hard to do stuff. Boo.

Bio test tomorrow, there is no hope. *doom song from Invander Zim* I am so screwed. Oh well, who says I need a grade 12 science for my future anyways?
Or who says I'll have a future?

Fuck the world, too many people hate me right now. Also, it occured to me a while ago I probably creep strangers out. The way I act ... and stuff ... anyways, I dunno. I mean, I creep myself out sometimes. If I met me, I would not like me.

That's it, I am enjoying how non of this connects to any other part. Yay for random!

Polar opposites

2004-09-14T22:35:00.000-04:00

You can always tell my very worst days because the day after I am all bouncy and energy-filled. That would explain today. I was all too hyper, and coincedentally I got little sleep that night. Beginning to think that I am happier when I am tired. But in my head I know that's bull.

Well based on all the 1's of comments I got, I will pollute this blog with every annoying detail of my life that anyone didn't know. Although I should probably change the url before I do that, just in case anyone is lying.

On the whole yesterday thing, it is fucking me up cause I want to do that every day now, even though I know it's wrong. Blah. Die brain die.

Also I have a new person-obsession (as in the level below a crush I suppose). Not who you think, that would be too obvious. A stranger. So much fun.

DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS!!!

2004-09-13T22:59:00.000-04:00

Drugs drugs drugs
Some are good, some are bad
Drugs drugs drugs
Ask your mom or ask your dad...

Anyways...yes, I am soooo fucked up today. Random is me. But seriously, I cannot remember basic things anymore, and I can't talk even worse than I couldn't talk before. Yay, now I skip words and syllables. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and ironically enough I still want to do this every day. See where it says "regret" in my name? That is a lie. Well partly, because part of me regretted. The other part (and the overwhelming majority) remembered it and missed it. This is sick, so so sick. I am so so sick. I think I need to go in for repairs or something. Maybe just my brain, in a jar.

I want to do acid. And speed and shrooms and ... what else is there? I dunno, exstacy, good ol' cat tranquiliser (k), what else? I dunno.
Not like...heroine or cocaine or anything though, I fail to see how that would be fun or good in any way. Well maybe at like...a medical place like a hospital or something, but that is named something different.
Oh wait, meth. I forgot meth. Everyone's a meth addict these days. It's the 'in' thing to do. That's right, me and the sewer rats.

Fuck, I can't type. It is taking me ages to do this page because I can't type and I have to fix all the time. And who am I typing for anyways? IF YOU READ THIS specific ENTRY, LEAVE A COMMENT. I want to count.

Plus if no one reads it, I will add more teen angst.

So rally against teen angst, leave a comment. Or

uh, or what?

or nothing. There is nothing I can do. Boo.